


Give an Inch

by neveralarch



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett, Pyramids - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2016-12-25
Packaged: 2018-09-11 23:11:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9040007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neveralarch/pseuds/neveralarch
Summary: Queen Keli meets someone very useful.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rosencrantz](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosencrantz/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide, Rosencrantz! Thanks for a bunch of fun prompts.
> 
> (For those wondering, Queen Keli appears in Mort and has cameos in several of the Moist von Lipwig books.)

Queen Kelirehenna was thirty, vibrant, and sick to death of being told she had to marry an Uberwaldean count.

"He's got dots over his name," said Keli. "I don't want to learn to spell with dots."

"We could do away with the dots," suggested Mayor Camels. "Use an e instead, that kind of thing."

"I'm pretty sure he's a vampire," said Keli.

"Just because he's Uberwaldean," began Mayor Camels, but Keli used her royal prerogative to ignore him.

"He's got a widow's peak," she said. "And a red-velvet-lined cape. _And_ fangs, I've seen them. He said he wanted to make me his vampire bride."

"Could be nice," said Mayor Camels. "Bit of a change."

"I'm not interested in changing species at this point in time," said Keli frostily.

"It would be a boon to trade," wheedled Mayor Camels. "You've got to think of your subjects..."

Keli dismissed the mayor, supposedly so that she could consider but in reality because she was sick to death of arguing. She was not going to marry Count Värney. She just had to figure out how to not do it diplomatically, and without strangling Mayor Camels.

"You can come out now," said Keli.

Nothing happened. Keli sighed.

"I _know_ you're there. Stop faffing about."

A man in dusty gray melted out of the shadows. He was of middling height, middling weight, and middling age. He did have an aristocratically curved nose, though, and rather beautiful black eyes. And a sheepish expression.

"Are you here to assassinate me?" asked Keli. 

"No," said the man.

"You look like you're an assassin," pointed out Keli.

"It's a new business model," said the man. "For a very reasonable price, you can hire me—or my apprentices—to unobtrusively protect someone from harm."

"You're a secret bodyguard?"

"Sure," said the man. "Teppic, by the way, nice to meet you."

Keli smiled graciously. "Teppic, that's the most unconvincing story I've ever heard."

Teppic shrugged.

"Who sent you?" asked Keli imperiously. It didn't work. Teppic just smiled and said something about client confidentiality.

"Cough once if it was Vetinari." Keli watched Teppic closely, but he didn't do anything. "Oh, all right. I suppose you can stay."

"Very gracious of you," said Teppic, in a tone that suggested he wasn't changing any plans, but he appreciated Keli's cooperation.

"I don't suppose you'd be interested in marrying me and becoming king?" asked Keli. "You wouldn't have to do much, just be a man and possibly fight off a few vampires."

"It's a very generous offer," began Teppic.

"Good, that's decided," said Keli. "I'll ring for tea, and we can discuss the wedding."

Teppic had a very complicated look on his face. He started about three sentences while Keli waited impatiently, and finally settled on: "Well, I suppose the second time's the charm."

"Do you take milk?" asked Keli.

"Please," said Teppic. "You don't have any odd burial customs, do you?"

"Just the cabbages," said Keli. This was going to be fun.


End file.
